MYTHS OF DATING II
19.03.2013 18:37
MYTH 6 “WE NEED TO KNOW IF WE ARE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE"
Truth: Many people believe that before marriage we should know if we are sexually compatible as a couple because we will spend the rest of our lives with this person. But this is not a valid reason. Sex is more than just physical contact. Intercourse includes our emotions and spirituality. So it's something physical, emotional and spiritual at the same time. So two people will never be sexually compatible if it is not within marriage. Let us explain: As the author and creator of sex, God is the expert on the subject. His design of human sexuality was to procreate and also for our own pleasure and satisfaction as sexual beings, of course at the right time with the right person. In marriage we can actually enjoy our emotions with no shame or guilt and God supports this intimacy. You may enjoy sex without being married, but spiritually and emotionally you are hurting yourself, because this is not part of God’s original plan. God just doesn’t create haphazardly or blindly. He has a divine purpose and design for sex between a man and a woman. When you have sex with someone you are basically putting yourself in the hands of another person, you are giving a part of yourself to someone that you do not fully know and may not be your forever partner.
Girls, I want to emphasize this and talk to you as a woman: I am married and I have the blessing to have intimacy with my husband without asking myself afterwards if he really loves me or not... if tomorrow he will be still with me ...if he will think about me ... and all that sort of questions that may cross our minds if we were single and in a relationship. We are not supposed to ask ourselves those sorts of questions. There is safety and commitment in marriage. Sometimes we want to quit and stop having sex outside of marriage because we feel guilty or ashamed, but we don’t because we are afraid he will leave us. If he would leave you for that reason, then he is only with you for your body and
not for who you really are as a person. Value yourself first and protect the treasure of your body by not allowing a man to use you for his own physical pleasure. God will bless your decision and you will know that you have followed His plan for your future happiness. So, the best sex that a person can have is the one that is under God’s commandments, otherwise you will not receive His blessing in this. Even if you think you are going to marry that person, you need to be patient; you will have a great sex life with the right person in marriage.
Let us tell you this: If you sinned, God can restore you! Jesus died for your sins, and He can sanctify you, give you back what you lost, renew your mind and thoughts and change you to a new person! He can give you another chance if you repent and ask His Holy Spirit to transform you and walk in obedience with Him ... Is it a challenge? Yes, but you're worth it and it is worthy to believe in Him who gave all for you, that is a true gift of His love! If this is your case seek counseling with your pastor or a mature and reliable spiritual leader to lead you on this journey of restoration! Never forget how worthy you are and the great value that God gave you as a person, as a woman, as a man, as a daughter or son of God!
MYTH 7 “IF HE OR SHE GETS JEALOUS IT IS JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.”
Fact: It is normal to want to be careful and watch over your relationship
because you do not want to lose it. However extreme jealousy is different from this. If you think your partner does not love you because he does not get jealous of you all the time, you are wrong. Real love involves trust and commitment and it is one of the most important values i n every relationship.
Extreme jealousy can be hurtful and damaging to the relationship. Here are some characteristics to recognize if there is extreme jealousy in your
relationship: If "you" have friends: This is common cause of jealousy. An extremely jealous person does not allow his partner to have friends of the opposite sex, and often he uses phrases like: "I know how men are, and men do not see a woman as a friend". "I do not want you to go out with your friends without me". “It is not that I do not trust you, it is just that I do not trust others." In time you will realize that he has isolated you from all your friends and family, and this is not healthy. In a healthy relationship we trust our partner want them to have friends to share their lives with. Sometimes they try to change the way we dress: They use phrases like "That skirt is too short.” "Those jeans are too tight". He wants to provide for you, so you do not have to work and he/she can be sure you are not cheating on him/her. They prefer to give you money so he will look good in your eyes by making you think he only wants to
take care of you, but he is actually limiting your time away from him by not having a job. He calls you all the time: The typical boyfriend/girlfriend that asks questions like: "Where are you?" "Who are you with?” “What are you doing there?" "What time are you coming back?", "What is that noise, who is speaking?" He wants to know everything because he wants to control your life and know what you are doing every second.
He takes you home from work: This is not necessarily a bad thing (unlessit is always and everywhere) but you should think about it. He may be doing it because he is afraid you cheating on him with someone. He is just making sure you do not have the opportunity to hang out with other people, by not giving you your own space to do things on your own. This is just being insecure about the relationship. He/she checks your phone and your email account: I think this speaks for itself. We must respect our partners, trust in them and be confident in our relationship.
These are the most common “mistrust issues” in a relationship, but it is also important to understand that there are certain codes of courtship to respect that may be cause for concern. If you still have contact with your ex: It is very normal that your partner is concerned about this.
You need to be respectful of your partner and stop having contact with that person. If that relationship is over, then put it behind you and move on. Your current relationship is the priority and one of the ways to "blow it" would be to allow an outside ex to interfere or take your focus away from your current partner. Put yourself in their place and ask how you would feel in that situation. If you do not introduce your partner to your friends: This is unacceptable in any relationship, and your partner has to wonder why you are afraid to be seen with him. Are you embarrassed or ashamed of him? Perhaps you know you shouldn’t be with this person. Or are you choosing to have friendships with ungodly people and don’t want to let the person you’re dating know that? Whatever the reason, you need to think about whether your friends are really your friends, or if you have wrong intentions. If you are overly physically affectionate with your friends: There are many ways to show our friends how much we love them without a lot of physical contact and intimate words that should be reserved for a couple.
One way to show the respect you have for your partner is to respect the way you treat your friends. You should not be "constantly hugging" or saying "beautiful, lovely, little thing" or "handsome”. Reserve those words for your partner; you will avoid a lot of trouble. Your partner wants to feel like you only have eyes for them. In conclusion, insanely jealous people always imagine things that do not exist and they create a parallel world. For that reason, it is very difficult to keep a relationship with these people. However, if you are with someone who has caught you doing something wrong or it is very clear you are in an abusive controlling relationship, then you need to end that relationship as soon as possible, because you are giving someone permission to keep on hurting you and devaluing you as a person of worth. Ok! Maybe, you are wondering what happens with good relationships at this moment... YES! Maybe you are wondering what a healthy relationship looks like and if it is possible to have one. Yes, you can if you decide to do it with God's help and advice! You still have the opportunity to make a good decision for your present and your future!
Myth # 8: "It is better to date a lot of different people to know what type of person you want to share your life with."
Truth: This is a completely wrong approach. Those who choose to have many romantic relationships throughout their lives, are people who do not really know what they want; they do not know themselves enough to know exactly who to let in their heart and life. In the end your heart will feel empty and sometimes you even stop believing in love because what you have experienced isn’t love. Being with many people is unhealthy and it will not make you an expert in choosing someone. You will be left empty and emotionally wounded. Those heart wounds will need to be healed before you are ready for another relationship. Being in a relationship is not as simple as trying on an new outfit to see if it fits. We should only start a relationship when we are SURE we want to be with that person and you know him well enough to establish a dating relationship. It also often happens that people date different people in order to find "that certain something" that they have not found in anyone. They become disillusioned because they are idealizing people and realize that the one they are with is not their "prince charming" or "perfect woman". No one is perfect! Now, be careful because it could be you are attracting the same type of person with character flaws or unhealthy behaviors. You begin thinking that there are no good emotionally healthy people because you attract the unhealthy ones. In this case it is important to seek help or support to discover how to heal your own emotional brokenness and become the kind of person that you would like to attract. Here are some tips:
1. Know yourself: It is essential to know yourself before you establish a dating relationship. If you do not know and respect yourself, you are not ready for a dating relationship. You will feel confused all the time and not able to make wise decisions. You will question if you really want to be with the person, and in the end you will not know how to say "no". It is going to be very hard to figure out what you want in a relationship. Knowing yourself will make you more determined, confident, mature, and that will help you build a healthy relationship.
2. Do not be afraid to be alone: T o know yourself, you need time for yourself. It is the only way to find yourself. It will help you to see your
strengths and weaknesses, to know what you like and you do not like, to realize why you want to be in a relationship with someone and show you who you really are. In fact, you are not alone; you have yourself and you will always have God. So it will also be a very good time to grow in your relationship with God. He will help you to know yourself, because it is God who knows you the best inside and out. He created you and loves you more than anyone.
3. Find the will of God: Do you really think that you wiser than God? I think not! When we seek God’s will for our lives, everything is better! We think sometimes that we know best when we choose to do what we want to do. But what if God’s will is for you to work on yourself first? Then it can be a time that you strengthen your relationship with God, to know Him better, so that in the future you can build a godly relationship with someone who shares that faith in God and your desire to include God’s commandments in your relationship . God is involved in our relationships. In fact, He has chosen a specific person for each one of us. When that time comes, you will know who that person is, because you will be so close to God, your Creator, that He will reveal it to you. You will have no doubt because you will know yourself, and more importantly, you will know what your heavenly Father, who loves and knows you best, wants for your life. So, before God brings that person into your life, He will draw you closer in your relationship with Him, and He will make you fall so much in love with Him that when that person comes, you will know. Our relationship with God should always be the MOST important relationship in our life. God should always be first in our lives. Then I recommend you do these two things: Seek God and get to know Him by spending time with Him and reading the Bible. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:32 " I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.” And this passage speaks specifically in the context of relationships. So look for pleasing God and when you least expect it (beyond anything you can imagine), God will put that person in front of you! Trust in God and that He is working. But not what you see with your natural eyes, but what you see with your faith, and believe that God has joyfully planned the day the two of you will meet!
Myth # 9: "We are not a couple anymore, just best friends."
Truth: Let's face it ... who can keep a friendship like that? These people are fooling themselves because the reality is that they cannot live without each other and they would rather have their friendship than lose the other person.They are bound emotionally or physically, and that can be dangerous because it can prevent them from moving forward. When a dating relationship ends, you need to create some space (separation) inorder to heal the wounds of that relationship. When dating becomes a friendship, there is a denial stage where you think: "I can handle it well" and under this perception you continue to cling to that person in your life. In fact it will be difficult and uncomfortable to tell your "friend/exboyfriend" when you're interested in someone later, because it's something you tell your friends, not an exboyfriend. An exboyfriend
does not have to be part of this. This can cause jealousy, resentment, and false hopes that in the end can cause hurt feelings and denial that the previous relationship is over. There is a saying: "Where there was fire, ashes remain" This is true at some point and we need to be careful not to try to start that fire again. It has already been extinguished because it did not work. That is why it is always wise to think very carefully when you are considering starting a courtship with someone. It's not something you to just play around with, " to see what happens", because feelings are at risk. And often you could put a great friendship in danger if the dating relationship ends badly. A dating relationship should start out as a good friendship and not a bad romantic relationship to friendship. So if you are friend with your "ex" you need to examine the situation... Are you still tied to that relationship? Do you refuse to accept that it is over? Are you still hoping to get back together? Answer this honestly in your heart! And start to make some wise decisions. If you still feel attached to him, you need to seek counseling, people who can
support you to go through this. God has the power to set you free from that situation and you can keep walking toward your future instead of being stuck in your past. God is a relationship expert. He created us and knows our hearts, our fears, and our emotions. He is the only one who can help us find the root of a situation and cut it forever. He sets us free!
Myth # 10: "No one is good enough for me"
Truth: This phrase of many people who have not find their "Prince Charming" or "perfect woman". Sorry to say but the prince and the perfect woman only exist in fairy tales. Honesty no one is so perfect that they possess all the things you want to find in a person. Yes, he can get close to what you always dreamed of but you need to understand that he is a human being like everyone else, with strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures. If you have in your head the thought that no one is good enough for you, this perception will keep you in that position the rest of your life, because there will never be anyone who will have all that you expect ... Time will pass and you'll never establish a dating relationship, or marriage. Most people who believe these myths, were taught them by their parents. They have made it so clear to their children that they think no one is better than they are and they spend all their time waiting for a perfect person that does not exist. It is clear that you should look for a person with characteristics that meet your expectations (do not settle for the first person you see) but not to the point
of thinking that person should be perfect in every sense of the word.
You have to break that thought and open up to the possibilities of finding that person that God has for you. It is advisable you make a list of things that are "nonnegotiable" that this person should have."Nonnegotiable" means things that are necessary and valuable to you, and make another list of "negotiable" things that may want, but are not necessarily essential. You need to be flexible with the "negotiable" things. Keep this in mind when making the list. This is a very personal thing, so it should be according to your tastes, thoughts, beliefs, values in your life. Another important aspect is that you should not feel pressured, please DO NOT ALLOW THIS! Society, family and different people pressure you to get married, but you must assess this situation. Ask yourself the question: “Have I been very demanding or unreasonably picky in waiting for the perfect person (as in this
myth), or am I really waiting on God’s will for the right person for me?” Some people prefer not to have many relationships throughout their life, they prefer to play it safe and wait for the right person ... Remember: "Do not settle for less than what God has prepared for you." This makes sense, but not when it is because no one is good enough for you. So, make your list and share it with a few mature Christians that can guide you to stop thinking that "no one is good enough for you." There is a right person for you out there. Just relax, look around and be open to other possibilities!
Original Message in Spanish, translated by Pampanos Ministry and Edited by S.A.Z
Adapted from www.enlacejuvenil.tv/
